I went to this club where I met Merv the perv and his best friend Chester the molester. They both kick started the night with some appletinis and ecstasy…they got real handsy with me. They made me look like I was smuggling peanuts underneath my pants. The bartender took a lusty look at my thunder down under and yelled, “Hey the beer nuts are for the bar only!” Then his fist met my face with great powerful force; this only made my situation down below even worse seeing how I’m a masochist for pain. Then I bent over in front of the bartender and screamed at him, “HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!” Instead of doing the dirty deed, he started to play Pat Benetar on the jukebox. Some Asians came out of nowhere in trekkie suits and assless chaps with cardboard and started to break dance. I wanted to attack their yellowing buns but I saw my ex lover instead by the unisex bathroom; he’s such a saucy witch. I met Julio and the milkman at the fancy urinals…they pinned me down over the sink. Only the running water and flushing of the toilets could silence my screams. My ass was so tender that I had to use a seat dounut on the taxi ride home. Sadly, I couldn’t find my keys so I slept on the porch like a porch monkey.
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